What makes you feel safe? 

When a beloved aunt told me she had cancer,  she said to me, "Honey, when you turn the page and it says THE END, there's nothing yo can do to stop."

We all have that page, we all have that day - we just don't know when it's coming.  And, for a society that feels safe thinking they have control, it's wreaking havoc on our wellbeing.

I love the movie Shawshank Redemption, my favorite line in that movie is 'Get busy living or get busy dying'.  It's one of my favorite quotes as it reminds me, live every day of life.  I'm not saying I do, I am saying, it's a process, a process of facing fear, anxiety & worry.  A process of looking at the things I used as excuses to make me feel like I'm in control and therefore - safe.   It's more like a a process of acknowledging the present moment, where most of time we actually are safe.

I really don't like unexpected events that make me feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me, and seeing that I've had experiences (yes, way more than 1), and suffered afterward (aka PTSD), I am aware of the tendency to 'awfulize' experiences that 'may' be coming around the corner.  

​It's interesting to listen to people say the same thing, but when asked if they suffer from PTSD, the look on their face says it all.  To admit that events in our life have unsettled us so much that we have been traumatized, somehow, somewhere has been deemed weak.  So we keep 'awfulizing', allowing that old trauma to steer us into future situations that continue to make us feel unsafe. The vicious cycle perpetuates.

My last blog spoke about what you put your mind on grows - well imagine now, the collective mind. To back up for a moment. To me, the collective mind are the thoughts of a group of people.  To give you an example,  think of a group of people that all have a common thought process - maybe it's an animal rescue group or a political party, maybe it's a religious belief system or groupies, whom all love a specific band, like 'dead heads' - basically, groups of people with common thoughts, interests and beliefs.  Now, pan the scope out a bit wider to a country, or society.  The consciousness, awareness, thoughts and beliefs collected by a group of people as a whole.

Now imagine that collective consciousness from a group of people focuses on fear, or not feeling safe.  Again, if what I put my mind on grows, then the collective consciousness will grow exponentially as millions, even billions of people are thinking the same way. 

When we focus on being afraid, say, of living in general, the Universe responds, handing us what we are so afraid of to help us overcome our fear.  But most haven't been taught how to deal with our trauma and now have difficulty getting off the treadmill of anxiety. 

We, as a collective, have come to that moment of truth where we are becoming aware that each of us has a role to play in the collective consciousness. And, in that awareness, we, as a group, begin to shift.  We are being forced right now to look at our fears, the way we relate to life and how we live it.  

If there are things happening in your world that are producing stress, the uncomfortable, rock your world kind of stress - you are being handed an opportunity of a life time.  The way you respond creates our future, as a whole.  If you do what you did, you'll get what you got!  

I invite you today to try something different - I invite you today meditate, or journal or notice that in the present moment, you are safe. 

We humans do lean towards worry.  We also tend to think we are expressing love for someone when we tell them how worried we are about them.  

 Meanwhile, worry is a force of destruction. We have 2 driving forces in this world, Love or fear. Many great teachers along the way all state this.  Great teachers have also stated that what you put your mind on grows.  

So let's put those 2 ideas together for a moment.  If what you put your mind on grows, or gets bigger, then when your mind is thinking that someone isn't well, or is in a bad situation, or can't take care of themself - your worry can get bigger.

If you believe someone can't take care of themself - you will begin to collect evidence to PROVE yourself right! YIKES! That thought reverberates out into the universe wether you know it or not - and, if the person you're so worried about has a tendency to want to please you - they unconsciously begin to believe you're right  and hand you the evidence to make you right -so, right there, your worry begins to grow exponentially! 

We say this to the people we love! LOVE? This is NOT the energy of love - its fear.  We fear that the person can't take care of them self & we fear that they won't need us anymore if they could take care of themself!  To go a deeper layer, we fear being alone, we fear we are about to lose them.  

Love on the other hand looks at the same person, same situation and says, I believe in you - I know you can do this! Love, reminds you, that it's not about YOU. I'm sure you've all heard the saying - if you love them, let them go. It's not about them coming back to you, it's about you feeling safe and secured that you are loved and not putting that person in charge of your feelings.  LOVE, can expand exponentially too - we just haven't been taught how to do this in an effective and constructive way - 

Worry is destructive, it constricts the heart, and belief system.  Yes someone may be in a tough situation, but that is the moment, the opportunity to view them through eyes of trust, of LOVE, believing they are exactly where they are meant to be - it is their moment to learn, to choose, to be empowered and worry can snuff out a spark quicker than you can say the word, worry. It's also an opportunity to recognize what needs to be done to actually help, instead of enable.

If you find yourself worrying, I invite you to rethink your motives, your intentions and ask yourself why you believe they are failing. 

I do understand that there are people who are out there, losing their battle with drugs, alcohol or even disease.  It's like they gave  up, maybe they have & who knows why.  I personally feel like the people in my life who appear to have failed, never being able to recover, are some of my best teachers. 

They have taught me that  - I don't know what their purpose or potential is/was, - that maybe they were braver than I could have ever imagined, agreeing to a soul contract that made them look like the bad guy, to help the ones waking up remember what compassion and forgiveness are - to learn how to trust instead of blame. Maybe, they were there to break you - break you open. 

I invite you today, to view someone you  worry about through a different lens, a different perspective.  Knowing, that maybe you don't know.  I invite you today to recognize that worry is a driving force of fear and the believing in someone - is the driving force of Love.
 
May today, be the day, you shift gears. May today be the day Love takes the reins.

I believe in you! 

So many voices raised agains this year - blaming 2020 as if it's a person.  It's more like a moment in time.  A moment to look at 'timing'.  The number sequence 202 - or 200 or 002 2002 2020  - (you get the idea) is an Angel message that says - All in Divine timing - Divine timing.  When we live by and allow time to rule us, we blame it for feeling out of control  & man, how we love to control experiences. Imagine for another moment, that there have been experiences set in place at specific times, to leave you clues for when you do wake up and begin to connect the dots.

 What if this year, 2020 is a message from the angels, asking you to look at the past to see where you are headed - and if you don't like the projectory, you have an option, a choice if you will, but more like Free Will to shift.  Seriously, you are not handed too many moments where you can sit down and reflect, observe your past and put 2 & 2 together.  And, what a perfectly orchestrated moment in time to do just that.  

Your choice is to look at the events in your life, connect the dots and recognize a pattern so that you can observe it with a different perspective - from a higher ground.  Imagine, the simple act of observation shifting an experience.  What an opportunity to feel how these specific circumstances, you know the ones that at first glance feel miserable, are orchestrated by  something so much Higher and Wiser. 

The year 2020 has given us many gifts - if we can receive the time to look back - to use our hind sight, we might just be able to see our past with clarity, allowing gratitude to fill the space once perceived as a loss, or a hole. 

May your hindsight be 2020!

We are only as strong as our weakest link   Emotionally speaking, we have some pretty weak links. 

Let’s define strength so we are all on the same page to start. STRENGTH is the capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure according to google dictionary. 

Physically we can relate to this definition very easily. We have strength competitions, games and jobs. We seem to equate physical strength with power, as a god. Or at least, the patriarch has lead us to believe that. 

And, we also deem emotional responses other than happiness As a weakness. Interested enough I recently have been told by not just one person but several, that I don’t work, because I don’t go to physical job that is registered with the state to give me money. This accusation, rubbed me the wrong way this time though and got me contemplating this idea of strength as I retaliated in my head ~ I do work, and the work I do is some of the hardest work we can do as a person, in fact it takes a strength to do the kind of work I do that most do t understand because of their perception that physically strength is the only real source of power.   

​How many people, how many hate crimes, how many look away. 


When you hear the heartbreaking stories of loss people have incurred because of hate, how do you respond? Do you look away? Do you get angry and lash out? Do you find someone ‘out there’ to blame?  Do you call for punishment or retribution for the sole purpose of revenge. 

Darkness will not be driven out by darkness, only the Light can do that. 

Hate will never drive out hate, only Love can do that.  Dr. Martin Luther King

What does this mean to you? Look at you’re own reactions, are you perpetuating hate thinking you are standing against it? Are you being ‘righteous’ with the same hatred that created a situation in the first place. 

Responding by standing for Love, means we stand up for what is right, but our intention isn’t revenge or punishment. Our intention is stop the hate from flowing through you and give it back to the person who still aligns with it so they can feel their own destruction, so they can process the damage they’ve done. 

Today, where do you stand and how do you stand for it?  You want to make a change in this world, find the hate that still resides within you, find the damage you have done ~ own up to it, just to yourself for starters ~ acknowledging where hate lives within us, accepting that we all have our fair share of lashing out (even if it’s at the car that cuts you off) and then ...... forgive yourself! Bring in some compassion~ build upon that foundation! 

We are all doing the best we can with the thoughts and beliefs that have been handed to us from generations past. The experience of we are encountering are here to heal our subconscious programming. With out awareness nothing can change, the conscious universe shows ALL of us our destructive behaviors through situations. 

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. 

Look inside, what needs to shift within you. 

We label, categorize, file, organize and judge - all to help us feel normal (or safe)

For the person who speaks with passion, seemingly uncontrollable - we deem crazy.
For the person, who speaks uncensored truth - we deem abnormal 
For the person who combines passion with uncensored truth - we medicate
For the person uncontainable - we judge, exile, shred their character and try to discredit them. We try to  trap them into the blame game, distract them from their purpose, and tempt them with hate  hoping they cave.
 
We do this just so we can feel normal.

Meanwhile, has it truly become normalized to lie? It has! Think about this for a moment - how many of your friends that you have right now, would stand by your side if you suddenly lost the ability to lie? Seriously, if every thing that came out of your mouth was uncensored, raw and true, social events would become incredibly awkward. People would avoid you like a plague and no, no you wouldn't feel like you belong .  If  you're a child, you may be diagnosed with an illness, syndrome or disease.  One of the 'symptoms of Aspergers is 'FAILURE to develop friendships' - So now, not only do you feel like you don't belong, but let's add on failure too! Greta Thunberg has recently brought Aspergers into the Light.  As I've read different stories about her and the movement surrounding her - I have been in awe as to how uncomfortable truth makes people, especially the ones who think they are in powerful positions, feel.   I also find it interesting how they are lashing out at her, and trying to discredit what she is saying by throwing labels around, trying desperately to  normalize what is happening.  Which brings me right back to my point, to feel normal, you need to lie - period.

NORMAL,:
is being different
Is owning your unique qualities - 
​is not allowing ANYONE to make you feel so ashamed of yourself that you lie.

What has become normalized, to make us believe we need to betray ourself and lie, is fear. Somewhere we have allowed fear to become our normal state of being. We have distorted our natural instinct to detect a dangerous situation.  And, now, we find most of our daily lives to be dangerous - if not, why lie?  Seriously, if you feel safe  - you wouldn't lie, not even to yourself.   And now, our bodies have become addicted to adrenaline,  we continually collect evidence we are in a dangerous situations, signaling to produce more adrenaline.  So much so, that now, the more we lie, the more dangerous it is to even speak.  You might get caught in your own web of lies! So now the mere, simple, mundane act of speaking has become a fear provoking experience.  (and feeds the addiction)

What is normal to the Spider, is chaos to the fly. 

We have become both the spider and the fly - we weave our own webs, and then feel terrified when we get caught up in it. We feel terrified to act because of webs all around us that we can get caught in. The need to label and categorize events to normalize them, doesn't serve anything except our own limiting beliefs.  These limiting beliefs make us THINK we are safe.  However, it doesn't actually help us FEEL safe.  Simply put, lies that we tell ourself actually create the exact opposite of feeling safe, even if they have become normalized.

Once you find your truth, your voice, your integrity, once you feel safe to be honest with yourself - you can recognize the webs from others and navigate the normalized traps of fear. No one said it's easy - but we are designed to do hard things!  Accept who you are designed to be, own it, live it and feel the freedom of passion supplying your service to humanity. 

May you feel safe to live your normal! 

Letting go. 

I've held tight to the story, 'When I let go, someone or something gets hurt'. That story was my way of collecting the evidence that I needed to keep control. That I was needed. If i didn't have tabs on everyone and everything, life as we knew it, would fall apart.  That certainly made me feel that I was needed.  I never really thought about the enormous amount of pressure that put me under or in.  Oddly enough, I also have lived with the thought - 'I don't do well under pressure' - interesting, to say the least.

To hear people say, 'Let it GO!' was infuriating, I hadn't a clue what it meant. To me, I thought it meant to give up, to lose, to feel loss and ultimately fail due to being weak.   So I spent most of my life griping tightly to what I knew to be true through my own experiences. I griped tightly to definitions, rules and beliefs that weren't even mine, but that I learned to believe.

Have you ever heard the expression "Let go, or be dragged?'  I read it somewhere, and remember thinking deeply about that. To add feeling to my contemplations, I had the opportunity to witness a woman, gripping tightly to a large horse's lead that became excited to get to his food. I watched (in horror) as she was dragged several yards until she released her grip on the rope. Boy did that hit home! What was she thinking? Why didn't she just let go? And then I realized, she was me. Except the rope I held was on life itself, and I was getting dragged, bumped, slammed and broken.  Why won't I let GO? So afraid to fail, to lose ~ to feel guilty, ashamed or a deep loss we call grief. 

I never put 2 and 2 together until recently. I learned that if I let go, I'd feel like a failure. I learned, if iI let go , I wasn't valuable,  I learned if I let go, I was weak. I learned if I let go, someone or something would get hurt and (another layer to that was), it was all my fault - I was to blame! I began to feel compassion for that woman - realizing if she let go, and that horse hurt someone, it was her fault, and that was a verdict of guilt she spent her life time avoiding by holding on, or thinking she was in control. That she'd rather take the beating, then have it lash out to anyone else.  She was me. If anyone in my life got hurt, physically, emotionally or mentally it was my fault. This belief kept me in a vicious cycle of doing my very best to hold on to a raging dragon that I was never meant to hold in the 1st place, yet, somehow this was the message I was taught, along with so many other people. 

We don't actually have that kind of control, we are NOT God, we are simply instruments of a Higher Will. So to keep us thinking we do have that kind of control, keeps us playing small and living in a fear.

One of my first experiences of letting go and having something wonderful happen, was when it was time to resign from my 5th grade public school teaching position.  It took an entire year of being dragged, knocked down, and bludgeoned to finally resign or let go.  That year, something would drag me and knock me down, I wouldn't think about it, I'd just get right back up. As the year progressed - my job felt like a ballon and I held then string.   I'd get knocked down, I'd lose my grip on the string and scramble to get up to grab it.  Eventually, I got to the point where I watched it float away, tears streaming down my face and asking "What do You want from me? It's gone, are You happy?' (sarcasm was how i used to communicate with Spirit, or the Divine or the Universe - however you choose to name it - something Higher and Wiser than myself) I surrendered - or let go.

As I am now aware, the Universe is always communicating with us.  So the answers to my questions came quickly. This time, because I finally let my grip go,  I was able to sense the answers the Universe was giving me.  I wasn't aware  I was listening at the time,  or that i was letting go, i just felt that something had shifted and the result of resigning didn't stop the world from turning, no-one got hurt, and I suddenly had reprieve (that I call nothing less than mercy now) so I was (and still am) amazed.

As I look back, it still amazes me that I held on for as long as I did considering how banged up I was. As i look back, i am only now beginning to recognize my own strength.

Eight years later, I continue to contemplate, consciously letting go. Then I let go because i felt like i didn't have a choice. Now, I am acutely aware that it is a choice. And fear says, 'now you know what you're doing, if something bad happens, you now know it is your fault.' and I say back, 'I don't have that kind of control -thank GOD!'

And, I can only say that courageously, when I am aware that in making a choice - I asked for God, or the Universe or Spirit to take the reins. I literally say, this is the choice I feel like I'm supposed to be making, but I really don't know because I can see how it can 'go wrong' too - so- if this is the choice that You want me to make, that will serve You, than allow all involved to be safe and protected, however, if this is a self-serving choice, catch me please. And then. . . . . I listen and watch and feel for the answers to come, for the directions to be given, for the path to open up.  

Letting go isn't weak, it takes an inner strength of faith and trust that most are unaware we can tap into.  Letting go is success, giving up is failure.  Letting go feels frightening when we don't know what's going happen. That fear creates an uncomfortable sensation that our mind would like to make comfortable.  It develops a story to explain the sensation, in essence, grasping for control. That grasping for control, the tight grip of the story, restricts the flow of an infinite supply of miraculous solutions. 

Learning to let go is a spiritual muscle that needs a daily workout. Where or what, in this moment in time, can you let go of knowing, doing or answering?  You got this - Let Go!  

 I looked at the clock at 11:11 am this morning and thought 'make a wish'! So I began searching for the perfect wish, the perfect words to articulate clearly that wish.  I began in a spiritual way - I wish to be in the infinite flow of Love - that says it all right, but then I felt it needed to be more specific. The more I grappled, the less spiritual I felt, the more I judged myself for sinking, the more emotions rose.  Emotions of heat, annoyance, regret & agitation.  I braced myself, and allowed the wave to crash, swears started spewing, my gate changed and I shifted into the part of me that I wish I didn't have.  

I wish..... I wish didn't have emotions......I wish
It's such a powerful moment, when the truth of what we feel comes out in a way that we hear it.
I heard this loud and clear.

I wish I didn't have emotions. What an odd wish to make.  What an emotional wish to make. A thought thread, buried deep in my psyche, rose today, to be healed.  No other day earlier than today to be revelaed, for so many reasons, but here it is.  

I began to realize, this blog was waiting for me, saved in the archives, unfinished.  Remembering the title, stopped me in my tracks - I was searching for a shortcut around my journey!   Eff the Journey, just get me there - I want to know, I want to feel safe, I want to be validated - Just PLEEEEEase let this ride end, let me get off this roller coaster - it's too much, it's making me sick!

Oh My! another powerful moment, another thought thread arose and was heard - "It's making sick"

What's actually making me sick? the ride?  What ride, the ride of life? of Energy in motion?
Isn't that the definition of emotion?

So, are the emotions making me sick? No, but holding on to them, bracing myself against them, blocking them, containing them, rejecting them, cursing them, hating them, wishing they didn't exist ~ does make us all sick. Especially, wishing they didn't exist. You see, that's a wish that goes through the wish maker 1st.  Wishing anything to not exist, speaks volumes because what we're really wishing for, is that we don't exist.  Wishing I didn't have emotions sent a shock through me, straight into my heart.  Having come back from a 'dis'ease' that cuts off sensation, cuts off feelings only to realize that I still wish I didn't have them hit home.  So, instead of burying this, or banishing it back to where it was hiding - I greeted this awareness with curiosity  - wondering how can I help someone today who may also have this same wish without realizing it - Because, you see, if energy stops its motion, we experience a loss, or death.  Having this wish, is a death wish.  So, when I asked myself whats actually making me sick - it's not the ride itself, but the wish to get off the ride. I also realized, it's not just me that feels this way, many many people feel this way too.  I am not alone in these thoughts ~ snapping me back to my intention, who can I help, how can I be of service today? 

Others are on this ride of life too and some seem to be making the most of it and enjoying it!  They seem to have embraced the twists and unexpected drops, flying backwards in the dark and abrupt stops. Their smile and joyful shrieks express it perfectly. They have embraced their journey, being in the present moment and accepting the unexpected. 

I, on the other hand, have lost so much & experienced grief often and brutally that I shut down. If all I feel is grief, why feel? - It makes me lash out in anger so people don't realize how much my heart hurts, interestingly enough, causing more loss and layers of grief to sift through. And yet, they say, to enjoy the warmth of summer, you must first experience the cold of winter,

So, when I say 'eff the journey' I really mean - eff the emotions I wish I didn't have - just get me through the sadness, with out feeling it,  get me through it so I can feel the joy. Why can't it work like that? Why do I have to feel each step of the way? I want it NOW! I want to know what the problem is and get through it, unemotionally. I want to get this  over & done with & move on already! I can't tell you how many times I have sat in meditation and just thought COME ON ALREADY!  come on come on come on!  I want to know and feel and have my cake and eat it too - F*** the journey  - get me there!

And yet, the 'there' IS being right here.  The journey is just to get us to 'HERE & NOW',  whether we like it or not. It's  accepting the moment in time as it's been designed so that we can FEEL it.  So that we don't need to wish, because we already have exactly what we need IN this moment. All we really have is this moment. In this present moment we get to see the blooming of our past thought seeds, accept them for just that, a past thought, and then plant a new seed for the future.  But, here, in this moment, lies the journey, the emotions. Skipping over them  (being in such a rush to get 'there') we skip the most important step, being present enough to consciously plant seeds that we intended to do while we're HERE ( and now) - 

Wishing away emotions is like getting into a car without a driver.  Wether we like it or not, our emotions create our the world we infuse our self into.    They'll take us on a ride, but only to get our attention back on our intention, again, wether we like it or not. I need now, to apologize to my emotions for wishing they didn't exist.  Most importantly, though,  I FEEL grateful for them, and honor their 'spiritualness' , that's  how I know I've been allowed forgiveness,  then and only then, will there be room for the next step of my journey reveal itself.  

I FEEL so very grateful, I was able to feel so agitated, confused and hurt today when I was asked to make a wish.  I am so very grateful that those emotions were allowed to express themselves in a constructive way that didn't shut me down, but opened my heart wider.

I FEEL another blog rising about intention! I'll add that to the queue. 

Embrace the ride, you're not actually going anywhere, but here!