I looked at the clock at 11:11 am this morning and thought 'make a wish'! So I began searching for the perfect wish, the perfect words to articulate clearly that wish. I began in a spiritual way - I wish to be in the infinite flow of Love - that says it all right, but then I felt it needed to be more specific. The more I grappled, the less spiritual I felt, the more I judged myself for sinking, the more emotions rose. Emotions of heat, annoyance, regret & agitation. I braced myself, and allowed the wave to crash, swears started spewing, my gate changed and I shifted into the part of me that I wish I didn't have.
I wish..... I wish didn't have emotions......I wish
It's such a powerful moment, when the truth of what we feel comes out in a way that we hear it.
I heard this loud and clear.
I wish I didn't have emotions. What an odd wish to make. What an emotional wish to make. A thought thread, buried deep in my psyche, rose today, to be healed. No other day earlier than today to be revelaed, for so many reasons, but here it is.
I began to realize, this blog was waiting for me, saved in the archives, unfinished. Remembering the title, stopped me in my tracks - I was searching for a shortcut around my journey! Eff the Journey, just get me there - I want to know, I want to feel safe, I want to be validated - Just PLEEEEEase let this ride end, let me get off this roller coaster - it's too much, it's making me sick!
Oh My! another powerful moment, another thought thread arose and was heard - "It's making sick"
What's actually making me sick? the ride? What ride, the ride of life? of Energy in motion?
Isn't that the definition of emotion?
So, are the emotions making me sick? No, but holding on to them, bracing myself against them, blocking them, containing them, rejecting them, cursing them, hating them, wishing they didn't exist ~ does make us all sick. Especially, wishing they didn't exist. You see, that's a wish that goes through the wish maker 1st. Wishing anything to not exist, speaks volumes because what we're really wishing for, is that we don't exist. Wishing I didn't have emotions sent a shock through me, straight into my heart. Having come back from a 'dis'ease' that cuts off sensation, cuts off feelings only to realize that I still wish I didn't have them hit home. So, instead of burying this, or banishing it back to where it was hiding - I greeted this awareness with curiosity - wondering how can I help someone today who may also have this same wish without realizing it - Because, you see, if energy stops its motion, we experience a loss, or death. Having this wish, is a death wish. So, when I asked myself whats actually making me sick - it's not the ride itself, but the wish to get off the ride. I also realized, it's not just me that feels this way, many many people feel this way too. I am not alone in these thoughts ~ snapping me back to my intention, who can I help, how can I be of service today?
Others are on this ride of life too and some seem to be making the most of it and enjoying it! They seem to have embraced the twists and unexpected drops, flying backwards in the dark and abrupt stops. Their smile and joyful shrieks express it perfectly. They have embraced their journey, being in the present moment and accepting the unexpected.
I, on the other hand, have lost so much & experienced grief often and brutally that I shut down. If all I feel is grief, why feel? - It makes me lash out in anger so people don't realize how much my heart hurts, interestingly enough, causing more loss and layers of grief to sift through. And yet, they say, to enjoy the warmth of summer, you must first experience the cold of winter,
So, when I say 'eff the journey' I really mean - eff the emotions I wish I didn't have - just get me through the sadness, with out feeling it, get me through it so I can feel the joy. Why can't it work like that? Why do I have to feel each step of the way? I want it NOW! I want to know what the problem is and get through it, unemotionally. I want to get this over & done with & move on already! I can't tell you how many times I have sat in meditation and just thought COME ON ALREADY! come on come on come on! I want to know and feel and have my cake and eat it too - F*** the journey - get me there!
And yet, the 'there' IS being right here. The journey is just to get us to 'HERE & NOW', whether we like it or not. It's accepting the moment in time as it's been designed so that we can FEEL it. So that we don't need to wish, because we already have exactly what we need IN this moment. All we really have is this moment. In this present moment we get to see the blooming of our past thought seeds, accept them for just that, a past thought, and then plant a new seed for the future. But, here, in this moment, lies the journey, the emotions. Skipping over them (being in such a rush to get 'there') we skip the most important step, being present enough to consciously plant seeds that we intended to do while we're HERE ( and now) -
Wishing away emotions is like getting into a car without a driver. Wether we like it or not, our emotions create our the world we infuse our self into. They'll take us on a ride, but only to get our attention back on our intention, again, wether we like it or not. I need now, to apologize to my emotions for wishing they didn't exist. Most importantly, though, I FEEL grateful for them, and honor their 'spiritualness' , that's how I know I've been allowed forgiveness, then and only then, will there be room for the next step of my journey reveal itself.
I FEEL so very grateful, I was able to feel so agitated, confused and hurt today when I was asked to make a wish. I am so very grateful that those emotions were allowed to express themselves in a constructive way that didn't shut me down, but opened my heart wider.
I FEEL another blog rising about intention! I'll add that to the queue.
Embrace the ride, you're not actually going anywhere, but here!