.Aging on the other hand is very real.

We use time to measure our age, but time has nothing to do with our physical progression through this life time.  

When I first was diagnosed with MS, I was 33 - yet my body felt like I was in my 90's (I assume that's how a body feels @ 90 as I've witnessed plenty of people to come to that conclusion.)

I healed though,  and my body rejuvenated as  I choose to live.  And, so it seems, that with that decision  came a choice to move forward or take a back door, as we all have free will - I was asked, "are you sure?" with a series of events that brought me to my knees,  literally.....daily...ok ya........... several times a day.  And, somewhere I began regretting my decision to live, somewhere..... I got lost, somewhere...I forgot what I was fighting for.............somewhere..... I forgot who I was.

I tried to skip the line. I wanted to leave this physical body and go back to being a spirit.

Somewhere though..... I learned, well, more like I remembered, that there is NO TIME. Somewhere.... I remembered that my Soul IS eternal, and that what I don't express this lifetime, WILL FOLLOW ME, or haunt me (if you will) until it is expressed.

Somewhere, I also learned, it's exhausting to stay in front of it, it's exhausting to run from it, it's exhausting to hide from it.  Somewhere, I remembered...

Truth, always catches up.
Truth always comes out.

Somewhere...I remembered, cutting the line, just makes my next lifetime that much harder. And so, I've chosen.... again.... to stay, as shortcuts seem to become endless rabbit holes.

But... to stay, means I need to stop and face a truth, a truth I swore I'd take to the grave (unconsciously as most of the unified field, or collective consciousness of humanity believes this truth SHOULD stay hidden). I suppose it's a good thing that somewhere, I also learned...... the art of resistance. 

So ya, NO TIME, really did screwed up my plans though.  They say people plan, and God laughs - I do look forward to looking back at this moment in 'time'....and laughing too.

Curious as to what I've been hiding?  Curious what I've been so afraid of.... so afraid that I've been willing to die to keep it a secret?

I Am the Voice of the many, just a messenger though, so please.....don't shoot the messenger. (No wonder I feel fear when I speak)

The truth will eventually come out, but not today..... Stay tuned....... 

THAT NEVER TAKES THE CHANCE ~ bette middler

Staying in denial, because delusions seem better than reality, destroys the life you are actually living.

Ever have that moment of clarity - like how the fuck did I get HERE - how did I become .... well something that you never dreamed of becoming, someone you swore you'd never be,  someone you detest and  judge.

When did I become so depressed, angry and bitter? 
Ya, reality. Hate to admit it - right? so, stick with pretending you're happy and fulfilled.  Oddly enough, it's the pretending that feeds your angst. It's the fantasy, the delusions, escaping & hiding that FEEDS exactly what you're trying to avoid. 

It's like watering poison ivy.  Self sabotage.

Humility, on the other hand, is the lesson.  Remember that person you judged to be such a Debbie downer - or the addict you were afraid to help because they'll suck the life out of you, or the homeless, who just needed a smile to remind them that life is worth living. Remember when you said things like. 'Ugh, that SUCKS',  or 'they made their bed, they can lay in it'.  Comes back around in a way, that when you're not present, can pull the rug from under you.

Humility, comes when you can stop pretending and realize, you're simply looking in a mirror. Humility, means that you can stay teachable, that YOU DON'T KNOW what you think you know.

When you are unwilling to come into reality - unwilling to meet who you've actually become in this very moment,  lessons get louder - you might even say humiliating.

So hard to admit that you've unconsciously become exactly what you despise. And yet, that's the key isn't it? 1st, you have to become aware of your own shit.

Soooo our brilliant and friendly Universe, keeps giving us opportunities (that seem like challenges) to snap us out of pretending, or denial (which BTW, is basically 1 of the 5 stages of grief). OR (because we have free will), screw us deeper into the grief.
​
 Some shit that happens are things like.......
a virus ~ an illness ~ a disease 
maybe
an accident  or a broken bone
or how about
depression ~ anxiety ~ addictions ~ 
lets not forget about
poverty ~ debt 
and our clearest, yet most overlooked.
R E L A T I O N S H I P S 
like co-dependency, abuse & betrayal just to name a few.

All of these have a gift, a buried treasure and only when you're super present, can you make a  sustainable impact on your 'present' reality.

It is 'The dream, afraid of waking, that never takes a chance."

Take a chance today, get grounded & be dead honest with yourself. As no person, condition or experience can give you what you are seeking.  Ask yourself - what part of your dream is now  a nightmare?

Then.  What are you going to do about it?







 

Have you ever been force fed bullshit?

Meaning, you know someone is lying to your face.  Looking you straight in the eye and spewing out  another excuse for their 'poor' behavior.  With a challenging energy daring you to call them out, as you are also acutely aware that if you do, their wrath will unleash a punishment aimed directly at an already sore wound, the grief,  in your heart. They know you'll swallow your words and BECOME a sore loser.

And wow - you will end up with some part of your physical body, sore or in pain.  Your body's wisdom will speak your truth for you in the form of a sore throat, or way worse. You may end up bitter, with a disease like diabetes T2 - and ya, that would make anyone a sore loser!

Sore loser! Does that sound harsh? Truth can feel harsh - but when it's spoken out of LOVE, meaning ~ accepting that you have grief, accepting that you are afraid to lose someone or something else - you begin to realize that, that fear is what continues to attract experiences so that you can reclaim your voice.  Imagine you can rewrite the story, When you become aware that it's not your fault someone is bringing you another opportunity to rise with compassion and acceptance - it becomes a little easier to speak up and out.  

What you don't speak -(from your 5th chakra) lands in your belly (3rd chakra). & when you hand over the power of truth - it turns into a weapon of revenge. So, the one spewing out lies in the 1st place now gets to speak YOUR truth. AND>>>>>>>
~Truth spoken, without forgiveness is simply revenge~

Keeping your mouth shut or worse - SUGAR coating your words, sounding sickening sweet as you pretend to believe that bullshit, just makes you swallow a bitter pill.

But, when you feel like you'd do anything, pay any price, even allow yourself to be abused (yes, let's be honest here and call it what it is) - you go into fight or flight.  You're go into survival mode & your energy gets pulled into your limbs and slows down the process of digestion - basically so you can get away as quick as possible. BUT, keeping your body in that rhythm is what eventually causes so much dis-ease.

Shame settles in.
Shame.....
because your Soul contract demands honesty, authenticity & integrity ~ and in that moment, you know, the one where you swallowed the bullshit,  you just lost another opportunity to regain a thread of your personal power,  your courage,  your truth.....
Shame ..........because you believe you're a coward. And well, ya, truth can hurt.  But, the question then becomes, what are you going to do about it.

The weight of shame, sits in your gallbladder (b/c you didn't have the GAL -or courage) to speak from a place of compassion, understanding the true dynamic  exchanged.

This begins to 'block', or stop your ability to digest  - and therefore, release the information your pancreas needs so you can digest or receive  'sweetness' into you life. 

So next time, you feel like you're in a bitter banter - ask yourself - Where do you want the truth to come from? 
Your mouth: with compassion? 
Their mouth: with revenge?
or
Your body: with disease?
Truth ........always come out.
The choice is yours!

Several years ago, I witnessed and thought I understood the root cause of Diabetes. T2.  I was able to share with people who were suffering, that they were having trouble receiving the sweetness of life.

Well, energy goes through you 1st, and if this was something I was teaching, the Universe was going to provide real life experience for me to understand this  dis-ease more in depth.   And so, I lost something I never actually had ~ the sweetness of life.

It's either one day, or day one - I choose day won.

There is no person or condition that can provide you with the sweetness of life. You know, the reason you get up everyday, excited, that this is your life!   

When we believe that a child or children,  a partner or a friend, family or even a foe, is the reason to get out of bed - answer me this, what happens when they're gone? Then what? I'll tell you what, bitterness settles in, with energies like resentments and jealousy - revenge, judgments, sadness, depression, anxiety and addictions. Anything to run from losing what you believed made you important, anything to run from the grief of losing what you thought was the sweetness of life.

We also seem to think money brings us that spark of life - and yet, that's something else that can be lost in the blink of an eye.

What about your health? Oh! dare I also mention mental health? is this something you take for granted - or placate with medications, ignore and push through. Sometimes we don't even realize how fragile our health can be.  We sure do get a slap in the face once in awhile to remind us tho..

So, then how do we actually know what it is so that we can not only receive it, but cultivate it?

There's a pull.  
Like a magnet drawing you in.

Most of don't even realize, why we find ourself looking at images or bending an ear to listen to someone ELSE talk about it. There are little signs, and bread crumb trails to follow, once you slow down enough - once you stop running - once you stop doubting.

I've sensed this before, but, fear and doubt continually whisper lies.  So admitting that I needed to trust, trust in something that is invisible, mysterious and most of the time feels elusive, stirred up fears and insecurities that I never even knew I had. They say everything you desire is on the other side of fear - I'm just starting to explore this - eeeeeeek! haha

And so, the pressure I put upon myself, trying to contain my fears, trying to understand and figure out every little problem out on my own -I ended up squishing my sweetness right into bitterness.  With that, my blood sugar began to 'loose it's shit', and I could no longer see where I was going, OR the reason to go at all.  Talk about fear!

And here is where I get to choose  - bitterness and blame - feeling like the Universe is against me, and  forcefully trying to prove my worth (which is the root cause of diabetes T2) OR, remember that this is not who I am - it was just a defense position a used too long trying to survive from PTSD. PTSD from loosing so much at one time - for believing way too long that It was my fault.

Grief turns to rage - and the fire from rage burns up the sweetness, and turns it bitter.
unless........
we stop running, which is really, what feeds the fire.

Now that I stopped running,  I can do something about it & begin to process the original loss (or many losses). 

It's hard work to mentally and emotionally process grief., but once it affect your physicality, it becomes even harder - choose your hard.

We use the term, grief, so easily and yet the weight this one word carries - is enough to crush any sweetness you thought you ever had. 

If you'd like more information. -leave a comment  


​

When you seek more, you get less 
until you realizes that
That less is actually more
More than you could have dreamed 


When nothing becomes everything
And everything becomes nothing
What was, was good enough
In fact, too good enough 
Now the nothingness
grows into somethingness
And that is good enough

Rhythm is life - 
walking to a new groove 
takes time
Timing really
Consistant, 
repetitive 
patterns 
Takes focus
To Stay the course -
Distraction 
takes away 
from the path you need play

The Eye of Horus

Covid took my mother 1 year ago today. On Beltane, a Celtic tradition honoring the union between the God and Goddess. Interestingly enough, my mother married an Irishman, who passed 11 years prior, and 4 calendar days before my mom.  There really is no time or space, from my perspective, every year now forward, I have less than a week’s timeframe to honor their transition.

Honoring them separately & together, all at the same time, forever more.

My mother was the bread winner & the protector, along with so many other jobs that weren’t meant for her to handle by herself, yet she did the best she could with what she had.  My father held the emotional weight, unable to digest who he was supposed to be, feeling completely emasculated.  I never saw their marriage this way before, witnessing the role reversal of the masculine and feminine.  But, as I sit with their life intertwined with mine - I am in awe.  What a gift they have given to me. What strong soul’s to leave their life, their legacy as a reminder.  Look at what happens when we are out of balance, look at how we were separated through fear, disease, addiction and bitterness.  

We are so much better together when we know who we are, what our own journey involves and how to support, rather than enable, our partners.  

Today, I witnessed my father reunite with my mother after being separated for decades. They celebrated today, on this Beltane their reunion with joy, as their potential together is so much bigger than I could have ever realized while they were still in their human form.  Their souls raised by the amount of love they have been shown.

I realize now, the challenges they faced were karmic debt they choose to pay off in this life time, by choosing such difficult paths.  

I celebrate Beltane, My mother's passing and my parents potential with a cleansing fire inside,  surrendering to the fact, that there are things happening that are far beyond my mental capacity, bigger than I can ever imagine & ways that are so much Higher and Wiser than my own.  Devoting these words & this message to the Great Mother, Father and their rejected Son.
                                           ~So be it ~

My father’s mantra when I was a child was, “You’ll be sorry when I’m dead and gone”.  He died 12 years ago today.  As I grew, his words became actions. The last seven years of his life, he refused to speak to me. So, when sorrow didn’t show up when it was expected to, guilt would have its way with me. 

I am honoring the day he passed, as it was a relief, even though grief is driving me to write now.  I am also honoring this day, as it was the day our relationship began to heal.  Once his spirit left his body, he was able to see things from a different perspective, and thus he began his journey to help me with mine.  On the other side, he helped me understand the weight of the internal struggles he carried. He was close to 400 lbs. when he passed and died of complications from Type 2 diabetes. Needless to say, his emotional baggage was heavy.

In his passing and the years since, I've been given experiences to flush up this core wound driven by his mantra that has been repeating itself within my relationships. All my relationships, friends and family, not just partners.  But, more importantly I learned how I related to myself. The way we relate to people creates our relation-ship, the vehicle in which we communicate and interact. My physical body is my ship, and it was full of holes from grief & shame. No wonder I sank into depression, disease & addiction - all ways I tried to completely sink my ship. (Nice way to say kill myself - which I have faced & the reason I can write about it shamelessly.)

I have spent, what feels like an eternity, trying to prove to people, who aligned with this idea of ‘You’ll be sorry when I’m gone”, that, yes, they were right, I would be sorry if I lost them.  I spent so much energy trying to prove this to them, showing them that even the smallest scraps they gave me were gold.  I broke though, unable to carry their shit. So, of course they’d leave me broken, to try and tell me I only broke because they left. Some, interestingly enough, showed up only when I was broken, they seemed to think I’d owe them, once I got back up.  Reminding me, that if it weren’t for them, I’d still be down.  Ummmm, here we go again! “You’ll be sorry when I’m gone!” This pattern showed up with people either dying, or leaving, both leaving craters in my heart. 

What a heart breaking pattern to viciously recycle throughout life.  This unconscious thought within, became form over and over again.  Until I recently discovered it, sitting there in my subconscious picking up the needle on the record player and starting it from the beginning.  

I learned that, not only was I trying to prove ‘out there’ that yes, I’d be sorry when you’re gone, but in truth, I’ve been trying to prove to myself, that I would actually be the one sorry, when I was gone.  And that hit me like a ton of bricks - because yes, I would be sorry if I died simply because of a subconscious thought that had been worn into the fabric of my mind. 

Type 2 diabetes is a disease that stifles the sweetness of life.  Our bodies show us, in so many ways, thought patterns and forms, if we are willing to look at them.  My father told me I was the sweetness in his life, and then proceeded to make me believe that I failed at my job.  My own body showed me how I tried to numb out the shame I felt, that there must have been something wrong with me, not be able to prove to him that life is worth living, as he slowly killed himself.  I say this with awareness, forgiveness and compassion - even though it was tempting to sink into bitterness with him. 

In the name of Great Mother & Father, I honor this day by sharing this story not only for my dad, but my ancestors and family as well. I honor this day as a day where grief lost part of its stronghold.  

My father’s mantra when I was a child was, “You’ll be sorry when I’m dead and gone”.  He died 12 years ago today.  As I grew, his words became actions. The last seven years of his life, he refused to speak to me.

I am honoring the day he passed, as it was a relief, even though grief is driving me to write.  I am also honoring this day, as it was the day our relationship began to heal.  Once his spirit left his body, he was able to see things from a different perspective, and thus he began his journey to help me with mine.  On the other side, he helped me understand the weight of the internal struggles he carried. He was close to 400 lbs. when he passed and died of complications from Type 2 diabetes. Needless to say, his emotional baggage was heavy.

In his passing and the years since, I have been given experiences to flush up this core wound that has been repeating itself within my relationships. All my relationships, friends and family, not just partners.  But, more importantly I learned how I related to myself. The way we relate to people creates our relation-ship, the vehicle in which we communicate and interact. My physical body is my ship, and it was full of holes from grief! No wonder I sank into depression, disease & addiction - all ways I tried to completely sink my ship. (Nice way to say kill myself - which I have faced & the reason I can write about it shamelessly.)

I have spent, what feels like an eternity, trying to prove to people, who aligned with this idea of ‘You’ll be sorry when I’m gone”, that, yes, they were right, I would be sorry if I lost them.  I spent so much energy trying to prove this to them, showing them that even the smallest scraps they gave me were gold.  I broke though, unable to carry their shit. So, of course they’d leave me broken, to try and tell me I only broke because they left. Some, interestingly enough, showed up only when I was broken, they seemed to think I’d owe them, once I got back up.  Reminding me, that if it weren’t for them, I’d still be down.  Ummmm, here we go again! “You’ll be sorry when I’m gone!” This pattern showed up with people either dying, or leaving, both leaving craters in my heart.

What a heart breaking pattern to viciously recycle throughout my life.  This unconscious thought within, became form over and over again.  Until I recently discovered it, sitting there in my subconscious picking up the needle on the record player and starting it from the beginning.  

I learned that, not only was I trying to prove ‘out there’ that yes, I’d be sorry when you’re gone, but in truth, I’ve been trying to prove to myself, that I would actually be the one sorry, when I was gone.  And that hit me like a ton of bricks - because yes, I would be sorry if I died simply because of a subconscious thought that had been worn into the pathways of my mind. 

Type 2 diabetes is a disease that stifles the sweetness of life.  Our bodies show us, in so many ways, thought patterns and forms, if we are willing to look at them.  My father told me I was the sweetness in his life, and then proceeded to make me believe that I failed at my job.  My own body showed me how I tried to numb out the shame I felt, that there must have been something wrong with me to not be able to prove to him that life is worth living, as he slowly killed himself.  I say this with awareness, forgiveness and compassion - even though it was tempting to sink into bitterness with him. 
In the name of Great Mother & Father, I honor this day by sharing this story not only for my dad, but my ancestors and family as well. I honor this day as a day where grief lost part of its stronghold.