When you seek more, you get less 
until you realizes that
That less is actually more
More than you could have dreamed 


When nothing becomes everything
And everything becomes nothing
What was, was good enough
In fact, too good enough 
Now the nothingness
grows into somethingness
And that is good enough

Rhythm is life - 
walking to a new groove 
takes time
Timing really
Consistant, 
repetitive 
patterns 
Takes focus
To Stay the course -
Distraction 
takes away 
from the path you need play

The Eye of Horus

Covid took my mother 1 year ago today. On Beltane, a Celtic tradition honoring the union between the God and Goddess. Interestingly enough, my mother married an Irishman, who passed 11 years prior, and 4 calendar days before my mom.  There really is no time or space, from my perspective, every year now forward, I have less than a week’s timeframe to honor their transition.

Honoring them separately & together, all at the same time, forever more.

My mother was the bread winner & the protector, along with so many other jobs that weren’t meant for her to handle by herself, yet she did the best she could with what she had.  My father held the emotional weight, unable to digest who he was supposed to be, feeling completely emasculated.  I never saw their marriage this way before, witnessing the role reversal of the masculine and feminine.  But, as I sit with their life intertwined with mine - I am in awe.  What a gift they have given to me. What strong soul’s to leave their life, their legacy as a reminder.  Look at what happens when we are out of balance, look at how we were separated through fear, disease, addiction and bitterness.  

We are so much better together when we know who we are, what our own journey involves and how to support, rather than enable, our partners.  

Today, I witnessed my father reunite with my mother after being separated for decades. They celebrated today, on this Beltane their reunion with joy, as their potential together is so much bigger than I could have ever realized while they were still in their human form.  Their souls raised by the amount of love they have been shown.

I realize now, the challenges they faced were karmic debt they choose to pay off in this life time, by choosing such difficult paths.  

I celebrate Beltane, My mother's passing and my parents potential with a cleansing fire inside,  surrendering to the fact, that there are things happening that are far beyond my mental capacity, bigger than I can ever imagine & ways that are so much Higher and Wiser than my own.  Devoting these words & this message to the Great Mother, Father and their rejected Son.
                                           ~So be it ~

My father’s mantra when I was a child was, “You’ll be sorry when I’m dead and gone”.  He died 12 years ago today.  As I grew, his words became actions. The last seven years of his life, he refused to speak to me. So, when sorrow didn’t show up when it was expected to, guilt would have its way with me. 

I am honoring the day he passed, as it was a relief, even though grief is driving me to write now.  I am also honoring this day, as it was the day our relationship began to heal.  Once his spirit left his body, he was able to see things from a different perspective, and thus he began his journey to help me with mine.  On the other side, he helped me understand the weight of the internal struggles he carried. He was close to 400 lbs. when he passed and died of complications from Type 2 diabetes. Needless to say, his emotional baggage was heavy.

In his passing and the years since, I've been given experiences to flush up this core wound driven by his mantra that has been repeating itself within my relationships. All my relationships, friends and family, not just partners.  But, more importantly I learned how I related to myself. The way we relate to people creates our relation-ship, the vehicle in which we communicate and interact. My physical body is my ship, and it was full of holes from grief & shame. No wonder I sank into depression, disease & addiction - all ways I tried to completely sink my ship. (Nice way to say kill myself - which I have faced & the reason I can write about it shamelessly.)

I have spent, what feels like an eternity, trying to prove to people, who aligned with this idea of ‘You’ll be sorry when I’m gone”, that, yes, they were right, I would be sorry if I lost them.  I spent so much energy trying to prove this to them, showing them that even the smallest scraps they gave me were gold.  I broke though, unable to carry their shit. So, of course they’d leave me broken, to try and tell me I only broke because they left. Some, interestingly enough, showed up only when I was broken, they seemed to think I’d owe them, once I got back up.  Reminding me, that if it weren’t for them, I’d still be down.  Ummmm, here we go again! “You’ll be sorry when I’m gone!” This pattern showed up with people either dying, or leaving, both leaving craters in my heart. 

What a heart breaking pattern to viciously recycle throughout life.  This unconscious thought within, became form over and over again.  Until I recently discovered it, sitting there in my subconscious picking up the needle on the record player and starting it from the beginning.  

I learned that, not only was I trying to prove ‘out there’ that yes, I’d be sorry when you’re gone, but in truth, I’ve been trying to prove to myself, that I would actually be the one sorry, when I was gone.  And that hit me like a ton of bricks - because yes, I would be sorry if I died simply because of a subconscious thought that had been worn into the fabric of my mind. 

Type 2 diabetes is a disease that stifles the sweetness of life.  Our bodies show us, in so many ways, thought patterns and forms, if we are willing to look at them.  My father told me I was the sweetness in his life, and then proceeded to make me believe that I failed at my job.  My own body showed me how I tried to numb out the shame I felt, that there must have been something wrong with me, not be able to prove to him that life is worth living, as he slowly killed himself.  I say this with awareness, forgiveness and compassion - even though it was tempting to sink into bitterness with him. 

In the name of Great Mother & Father, I honor this day by sharing this story not only for my dad, but my ancestors and family as well. I honor this day as a day where grief lost part of its stronghold.  

My father’s mantra when I was a child was, “You’ll be sorry when I’m dead and gone”.  He died 12 years ago today.  As I grew, his words became actions. The last seven years of his life, he refused to speak to me.

I am honoring the day he passed, as it was a relief, even though grief is driving me to write.  I am also honoring this day, as it was the day our relationship began to heal.  Once his spirit left his body, he was able to see things from a different perspective, and thus he began his journey to help me with mine.  On the other side, he helped me understand the weight of the internal struggles he carried. He was close to 400 lbs. when he passed and died of complications from Type 2 diabetes. Needless to say, his emotional baggage was heavy.

In his passing and the years since, I have been given experiences to flush up this core wound that has been repeating itself within my relationships. All my relationships, friends and family, not just partners.  But, more importantly I learned how I related to myself. The way we relate to people creates our relation-ship, the vehicle in which we communicate and interact. My physical body is my ship, and it was full of holes from grief! No wonder I sank into depression, disease & addiction - all ways I tried to completely sink my ship. (Nice way to say kill myself - which I have faced & the reason I can write about it shamelessly.)

I have spent, what feels like an eternity, trying to prove to people, who aligned with this idea of ‘You’ll be sorry when I’m gone”, that, yes, they were right, I would be sorry if I lost them.  I spent so much energy trying to prove this to them, showing them that even the smallest scraps they gave me were gold.  I broke though, unable to carry their shit. So, of course they’d leave me broken, to try and tell me I only broke because they left. Some, interestingly enough, showed up only when I was broken, they seemed to think I’d owe them, once I got back up.  Reminding me, that if it weren’t for them, I’d still be down.  Ummmm, here we go again! “You’ll be sorry when I’m gone!” This pattern showed up with people either dying, or leaving, both leaving craters in my heart.

What a heart breaking pattern to viciously recycle throughout my life.  This unconscious thought within, became form over and over again.  Until I recently discovered it, sitting there in my subconscious picking up the needle on the record player and starting it from the beginning.  

I learned that, not only was I trying to prove ‘out there’ that yes, I’d be sorry when you’re gone, but in truth, I’ve been trying to prove to myself, that I would actually be the one sorry, when I was gone.  And that hit me like a ton of bricks - because yes, I would be sorry if I died simply because of a subconscious thought that had been worn into the pathways of my mind. 

Type 2 diabetes is a disease that stifles the sweetness of life.  Our bodies show us, in so many ways, thought patterns and forms, if we are willing to look at them.  My father told me I was the sweetness in his life, and then proceeded to make me believe that I failed at my job.  My own body showed me how I tried to numb out the shame I felt, that there must have been something wrong with me to not be able to prove to him that life is worth living, as he slowly killed himself.  I say this with awareness, forgiveness and compassion - even though it was tempting to sink into bitterness with him. 
In the name of Great Mother & Father, I honor this day by sharing this story not only for my dad, but my ancestors and family as well. I honor this day as a day where grief lost part of its stronghold.  

What makes you feel safe? 

When a beloved aunt told me she had cancer,  she said to me, "Honey, when you turn the page and it says THE END, there's nothing yo can do to stop."

We all have that page, we all have that day - we just don't know when it's coming.  And, for a society that feels safe thinking they have control, it's wreaking havoc on our wellbeing.

I love the movie Shawshank Redemption, my favorite line in that movie is 'Get busy living or get busy dying'.  It's one of my favorite quotes as it reminds me, live every day of life.  I'm not saying I do, I am saying, it's a process, a process of facing fear, anxiety & worry.  A process of looking at the things I used as excuses to make me feel like I'm in control and therefore - safe.   It's more like a a process of acknowledging the present moment, where most of time we actually are safe.

I really don't like unexpected events that make me feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me, and seeing that I've had experiences (yes, way more than 1), and suffered afterward (aka PTSD), I am aware of the tendency to 'awfulize' experiences that 'may' be coming around the corner.  

​It's interesting to listen to people say the same thing, but when asked if they suffer from PTSD, the look on their face says it all.  To admit that events in our life have unsettled us so much that we have been traumatized, somehow, somewhere has been deemed weak.  So we keep 'awfulizing', allowing that old trauma to steer us into future situations that continue to make us feel unsafe. The vicious cycle perpetuates.

My last blog spoke about what you put your mind on grows - well imagine now, the collective mind. To back up for a moment. To me, the collective mind are the thoughts of a group of people.  To give you an example,  think of a group of people that all have a common thought process - maybe it's an animal rescue group or a political party, maybe it's a religious belief system or groupies, whom all love a specific band, like 'dead heads' - basically, groups of people with common thoughts, interests and beliefs.  Now, pan the scope out a bit wider to a country, or society.  The consciousness, awareness, thoughts and beliefs collected by a group of people as a whole.

Now imagine that collective consciousness from a group of people focuses on fear, or not feeling safe.  Again, if what I put my mind on grows, then the collective consciousness will grow exponentially as millions, even billions of people are thinking the same way. 

When we focus on being afraid, say, of living in general, the Universe responds, handing us what we are so afraid of to help us overcome our fear.  But most haven't been taught how to deal with our trauma and now have difficulty getting off the treadmill of anxiety. 

We, as a collective, have come to that moment of truth where we are becoming aware that each of us has a role to play in the collective consciousness. And, in that awareness, we, as a group, begin to shift.  We are being forced right now to look at our fears, the way we relate to life and how we live it.  

If there are things happening in your world that are producing stress, the uncomfortable, rock your world kind of stress - you are being handed an opportunity of a life time.  The way you respond creates our future, as a whole.  If you do what you did, you'll get what you got!  

I invite you today to try something different - I invite you today meditate, or journal or notice that in the present moment, you are safe. 

We humans do lean towards worry.  We also tend to think we are expressing love for someone when we tell them how worried we are about them.  

 Meanwhile, worry is a force of destruction. We have 2 driving forces in this world, Love or fear. Many great teachers along the way all state this.  Great teachers have also stated that what you put your mind on grows.  

So let's put those 2 ideas together for a moment.  If what you put your mind on grows, or gets bigger, then when your mind is thinking that someone isn't well, or is in a bad situation, or can't take care of themself - your worry can get bigger.

If you believe someone can't take care of themself - you will begin to collect evidence to PROVE yourself right! YIKES! That thought reverberates out into the universe wether you know it or not - and, if the person you're so worried about has a tendency to want to please you - they unconsciously begin to believe you're right  and hand you the evidence to make you right -so, right there, your worry begins to grow exponentially! 

We say this to the people we love! LOVE? This is NOT the energy of love - its fear.  We fear that the person can't take care of them self & we fear that they won't need us anymore if they could take care of themself!  To go a deeper layer, we fear being alone, we fear we are about to lose them.  

Love on the other hand looks at the same person, same situation and says, I believe in you - I know you can do this! Love, reminds you, that it's not about YOU. I'm sure you've all heard the saying - if you love them, let them go. It's not about them coming back to you, it's about you feeling safe and secured that you are loved and not putting that person in charge of your feelings.  LOVE, can expand exponentially too - we just haven't been taught how to do this in an effective and constructive way - 

Worry is destructive, it constricts the heart, and belief system.  Yes someone may be in a tough situation, but that is the moment, the opportunity to view them through eyes of trust, of LOVE, believing they are exactly where they are meant to be - it is their moment to learn, to choose, to be empowered and worry can snuff out a spark quicker than you can say the word, worry. It's also an opportunity to recognize what needs to be done to actually help, instead of enable.

If you find yourself worrying, I invite you to rethink your motives, your intentions and ask yourself why you believe they are failing. 

I do understand that there are people who are out there, losing their battle with drugs, alcohol or even disease.  It's like they gave  up, maybe they have & who knows why.  I personally feel like the people in my life who appear to have failed, never being able to recover, are some of my best teachers. 

They have taught me that  - I don't know what their purpose or potential is/was, - that maybe they were braver than I could have ever imagined, agreeing to a soul contract that made them look like the bad guy, to help the ones waking up remember what compassion and forgiveness are - to learn how to trust instead of blame. Maybe, they were there to break you - break you open. 

I invite you today, to view someone you  worry about through a different lens, a different perspective.  Knowing, that maybe you don't know.  I invite you today to recognize that worry is a driving force of fear and the believing in someone - is the driving force of Love.
 
May today, be the day, you shift gears. May today be the day Love takes the reins.

I believe in you! 

So many voices raised agains this year - blaming 2020 as if it's a person.  It's more like a moment in time.  A moment to look at 'timing'.  The number sequence 202 - or 200 or 002 2002 2020  - (you get the idea) is an Angel message that says - All in Divine timing - Divine timing.  When we live by and allow time to rule us, we blame it for feeling out of control  & man, how we love to control experiences. Imagine for another moment, that there have been experiences set in place at specific times, to leave you clues for when you do wake up and begin to connect the dots.

 What if this year, 2020 is a message from the angels, asking you to look at the past to see where you are headed - and if you don't like the projectory, you have an option, a choice if you will, but more like Free Will to shift.  Seriously, you are not handed too many moments where you can sit down and reflect, observe your past and put 2 & 2 together.  And, what a perfectly orchestrated moment in time to do just that.  

Your choice is to look at the events in your life, connect the dots and recognize a pattern so that you can observe it with a different perspective - from a higher ground.  Imagine, the simple act of observation shifting an experience.  What an opportunity to feel how these specific circumstances, you know the ones that at first glance feel miserable, are orchestrated by  something so much Higher and Wiser. 

The year 2020 has given us many gifts - if we can receive the time to look back - to use our hind sight, we might just be able to see our past with clarity, allowing gratitude to fill the space once perceived as a loss, or a hole. 

May your hindsight be 2020!

We are only as strong as our weakest link   Emotionally speaking, we have some pretty weak links. 

Let’s define strength so we are all on the same page to start. STRENGTH is the capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure according to google dictionary. 

Physically we can relate to this definition very easily. We have strength competitions, games and jobs. We seem to equate physical strength with power, as a god. Or at least, the patriarch has lead us to believe that. 

And, we also deem emotional responses other than happiness As a weakness. Interested enough I recently have been told by not just one person but several, that I don’t work, because I don’t go to physical job that is registered with the state to give me money. This accusation, rubbed me the wrong way this time though and got me contemplating this idea of strength as I retaliated in my head ~ I do work, and the work I do is some of the hardest work we can do as a person, in fact it takes a strength to do the kind of work I do that most do t understand because of their perception that physically strength is the only real source of power.